Years ago, I came across a short story that stuck with me. I don’t remember exactly where I first read it, but it’s one of those ideas that quietly sits in the back of your mind and occasionally shows up again at just the right time.
It’s often referred to as the Cherokee legend of the two wolves. The story goes like this:
A young boy tells his grandfather that he feels like there is a fight going on inside of him. The grandfather nods and says there is a fight going on inside him as well, and inside every person.
Inside each of us live two wolves.
One wolf represents anger, envy, resentment, greed, arrogance, fear, and ego.
The other represents joy, peace, love, kindness, compassion, humility, and faith.
The boy thinks about this for a moment and then asks the obvious question. “Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man simply replies, “The one you feed.”
That is the version most people know. Short, direct, and powerful.
There is also a longer version where the grandfather explains that both wolves always exist inside us. You cannot completely eliminate the darker one, but you can decide which one gets your attention, your energy, and your focus.
The outcome is not random.
It is determined by what we feed.
This idea comes to mind often in my work. On any given day I might speak with several different clients, business owners, or families. Some days it feels like a dozen conversations. Over the course of a week, it is easily more than that.
A lot of what we do in our business is very quantifiable. We manage wealth, help people with insurance, design employee benefit plans, and provide financial planning advice.
But if I am being honest, about 80 percent of my time is not really about money at all.
It is about people.
Helping individuals and families think through decisions.
Define goals.
Work through disagreements.
Figure out how to move forward together.
Especially in the business world, where I spend a lot of time consulting with agricultural operations and family businesses.
Sometimes it feels like I am acting more as a psychologist than a financial advisor.
Over the last two and a half decades I have watched something interesting play out over and over again.
Two people, or two families, can face nearly identical challenges.
An employee issue.
A family disagreement.
A business transaction or financial decision.
The circumstances can be remarkably similar. But the way people see the problem, describe the problem, and approach the solution can be completely different. And more often than not, the results follow that mindset.
Those who focus on what is possible tend to find progress.
Those who focus on what matters most tend to accomplish the right things.
Those who stay stuck on frustration or resentment often remain stuck in the problem itself.
Recently I had a conversation with a client who, over time, has become a friend through our work together. We were talking through a situation involving a business transaction, and the discussion kept coming back to what we might have to give up or lose.
The focus was on winning.
“We have to win.”
But as we worked through the conversation, what I was really trying to do was redefine what winning actually meant.
Sometimes winning is not squeezing every last dollar out of a deal.
Sometimes winning simply means getting to the other side.
If it costs us a little bit of money to resolve something, move forward, or bring closure to a difficult situation, maybe that is not losing at all.
Maybe that is actually the win.
Because the real goal is not the last 10 percent.
The real goal is protecting the other 90 percent.
The relationship.
The business.
The peace of mind.
The ability to move forward.
But when people are standing with a problem just inches in front of their face, it is hard to see that.
As the old saying goes, sometimes we struggle to see the forest through the trees.
When you are staring directly at one tree, it is difficult to notice the thousands of others around it.
That conversation reminded me of the story of the two wolves.
My first instinct when thinking about the situation was optimism. “There is a path forward here.”
My client’s instinct was frustration. “I cannot believe we may have to do that.”
Neither reaction was irrational.
Both wolves were present.
But the real question became simple.
Which one are we going to feed?
Are we going to feed frustration, ego, and the desire to win every inch of ground? Or are we going to feed perspective, progress, and the ability to move forward?
The older I get, the more convinced I am that most of the real battles in life are not external.
They are internal.
Every day we feed something.
Gratitude or resentment.
Discipline or excuses.
Optimism or cynicism.
Those small choices compound over time.
Just like money invested well.
Just like habits repeated daily.
The wolf we feed grows stronger.
For me, that conversation was a reminder.A reminder to spend more time feeding the wolf I want to develop and less time feeding the one that only keeps me stuck.
Because in the end, the battle inside each of us never fully disappears.
But the outcome is still determined by one simple choice.
The wolf that winsis the one we feed.